I Was Completely Alone on NYE, Why Was I Happy?
I ran across a quote this year that shifted my perspective on life. I can’t remember it exactly but in my head, I processed it as, “Life is not award nights, vacations, or those rare moments in time. Life is your day-to-day, what you come home to every night.” Now, I know that isn’t particularly catchy, but in essence, your life is not these small pockets in time, but rather the majority of how your time is spent.
I’ve had my fair share of New Year’s Eve experiences. There have been wildly drunken parties that I and everyone in attendance barely remember. All the way to a very particular New Year’s Eve with my mother where we were sitting on the couch in Kansas City when midnight struck. We shouted “Happy New Year!” I forced us into a champagne toast, and then she promptly said goodnight at 12:03 AM.
Full disclosure, I did spend last New Year’s Eve “alone”. But, while I was physically alone, I had a Zoom call with a good friend of mine and we rang in the year (2021) together. But now I remember that a good portion of us spent it alone, or isolated due to Covid. Though, this year it so happens that I would be physically and digitally alone, probably exacerbated by the fact that people were actually out on the town celebrating this year.
Now, spending New Year’s Eve this year alone wasn’t by choice, at all. Actually, this New Year, I was supposed to be blind drunk at a club near Times Square, then wake up the next day to dance at a different club, once again, blind drunk. I mean, even before Thanksgiving had ended, I had tickets to different clubs in NYC, one on New Year’s Eve and one on New Year's day and both with open bars (this is where the blind drunk part happens). Yep, before we had finished giving thanks, I was already planning on giving that glassy stare you give when your friend asks you if you’re gonna throw up.
some drunk dude with the stare in question
Then as December happened, Omicron happened and NYC became tenser. I ended up canceling those tickets (more like eating the cost of them…) and planned to attend a smaller gathering of friends in their apartment (still blacking out though). Well, a couple of days before New Year’s Eve, I got a tickle in my throat that became a moderate tickle, and out of an abundance of caution, I canceled those plans as well. So that’s how I ended up physically alone on this night.
My biggest event of New Year’s Eve during the day was cleaning out my email inbox so I could start the year with a fresh slate. Over 3000 emails were deleted, dating all the way back to when I was in college. So that’s a definite plus. But after many hours of TV and learning how to use Pinterest, midnight was drawing near.
As I bundled up for the frigid winter, I popped one of my black wireless earbuds into my left ear and headed up to the roof where I was hoping to see some fireworks. As I opened the door to my roof, a dog bounded up to me. There were a few neighbors on the roof, none of whom I knew. But for some reason, I didn’t feel like talking or saying hello, so I walked past them and hopped onto a table to look out towards Times Square.
It was a warm night (we’re all gonna die soon), I had definitely overdressed. The sky was so bright. It seemed every apartment had its lights on for this moment.
With Mac Miller’s Circles playing in my left ear, I heard, out of my right ear, the others on the roof shout, “Happy New Year!” Fireworks begin to shower the sky from all directions–the Bronx, Times Square, even three buildings to my right. The city erupted in cheers. I could hear car horns and people shouting from what seemed like miles away. Then I could hear others on the roof having their first kisses of 2022 and on phone calls with their friends and family, wishing them all a Happy New Year. I pulled out my phone.
Y’all know this feeling from Team Snapchat
Looking down at my small screen, I see Spotify, I’m halfway through Circles. But nothing else. No phone calls. No text messages. No Instagram DMs from the thirst traps I follow. Not even that snap notification that gets me excited cause I think it’s a holiday nude but always ends up just being Team Snapchat. I put my phone in my hoodie. I look back up at the fireworks and expect to feel sad… lonely… forgotten. But instead, I start to smile (I’m not shitting you, I physically started to smile).
I smile. I sit down on the light blue wooden bench next to me and start to think about the past year, starting from January 1st, 2021. I don’t know if you’ve ever attempted to trace your steps through the past year but… You forget about a lot of shit. Maybe that’s some psychological situation about what memories we treasure the most… or I just have trash memory.
Anyway, I don’t think the person I was a year ago, six months ago, or even three months ago is the same person I am today. I’ve been lucky enough to experience a lot of life in 2021.
Top 3 Twenty Twenty One Lessons:
1. Get lit prior to the party
Y’all, going out is expensive. Now, I’m not about to tell anyone to go out less, I plan on going out MORE in the coming year (I didn’t go out or drink for the first six months of 2021 so it won’t be hard to beat that). We all love getting litty titty and dancing the night away. But that shit really starts to add up! I also have an extremely bad habit of buying way too many drinks for other people as the night progresses… which is actually probably the crux of my spending issues. But, there are ways to curb this cost. Get shitfaced in an apartment prior to going out and you’ll see your weekend spending go down, maybe.
2. Only keep relationships that are a net positive
Mid-year I was confronted by a “friend” who graciously informed me that people at a gathering had been talking about how I’m, “a bit too much.” This thrust a metaphorical dagger straight to my core. I began to question if everyone I knew thought this about me. I mean, this really bothered me. I was also on a huge self-improvement phase so I spent lots of time thinking about how I could improve myself to be “less much”.
Then, I realized that my closest friends have never echoed this criticism of me. I began to think deeper about this “friend” and how much value and happiness they bring into my life. After spending some time doing some stream of consciousness journaling (the only time I did it this year but highly recommend), I realized that I was not really that happy being around this person. So, I dropped their friendship. Not dramatically, I just stopped reaching out and, surprise surprise, they didn’t reach out either.
I do believe that doing so was a net positive to my life. It gave me more energy to focus on relationships that serve me and my happiness and I also cut out, really, the only drama I had in my life. So, don’t be afraid to sever old relationships if they are dragging you down. Keeping people around because “they’ve always been there” is outdated!
3. Manifest your life
I recently learned that what some might call my self-deprecating humor is actually just a defense mechanism I lean on because of how much disdain I have for myself. I would tell myself that I was self-aware and that I should embrace my shortcomings—how short I was, how mediocre I looked, how skinny I was, how much more interesting everyone else was than me (they always say don’t compare but they also probably didn’t live in NYC).
twentysomethings: Austin cast (Isha and Michael on the left are who I’m talking about)
In the show Twentysomethings: Austin one guy gets the attention of a girl on the show. At first, I was kinda like oh, that’s unexpected but he’s funny and pretty attractive I guess. But, the show also has a sort of confessional camera/room where he constantly tells us that she’s out of his league and there’s no way she’s actually into him, ”She’s a model and I’m, well, me”. Well, guess what? I started to believe him. Like, yeah buddy, she is so out of your league. But he was the one who fed that thought to me!
So don’t do that. Your words have the ability to shape your and others’ reality.
One morning, not too long ago, I woke up and began silently reciting,
“You’re dope as fuck. Your life is exciting. You’re successful. You’re a fun guy and people come to you for fun times. You brighten up the lives of those around you. Your body is strong and it can get even stronger. You’re a confident and attractive man who is charismatic as fuck.”
It’s so wildly funny because in the past if I heard someone say these things, I would instantly think they were an arrogant prick. But, honestly, we should be full of ourselves! Ever since that day, I’ve started to see those aspects of who I am more clearly, and I’ve started to believe myself?
It takes an overwhelming amount of work to undo the lies we tell ourselves every day, so why wait to do it?
…
Whew. After all that we might’ve forgotten, but I’m still sitting on the roof, my neighbors have descended, and I’m a good way through this Mac Miller album. I take my phone out expecting some messages, after all, my phone has been blown up for more insignificant events in the past… Nothing. I put my phone away, and gaze back up at the sky.
But why was I fine with radio silence? In all honesty, I had a pretty good year. When it came to family, I had spent more time with my mom this year than the past nine years combined. When it came to friends, I had spent so much quality time with so many different people. One of my closest friends moved to NYC, one of my best friends from college got married, and I saw another I hadn’t seen in four years. I was even lucky enough to make new friends. I had just spent the majority of my time this year doing things I like with people I care about.
A single night does not make living, and it shouldn’t define how I feel about the year prior and the year to come… or maybe I was sad and this is my way of coping? Hahahaha
“... you’re feelin’ sorry, I’m feelin’ fine”
